Disappointment. Frustration.

I always have valued honesty over everything else.

Over efficiency; I have been hard on myself because it was the truth.

Over political correctness; I overlooked potentially hurting third parties because it was the truth.

Over basic function; I have shut down before because it was the truth.

At least, that’s what I thought.

Right now, I am many things. None of them is definitive, and none of them defines me. I am a smaller, more tired, softer and fatter version of myself. Right now, and only for a while, I live tired. Exhausted, knackered.

Right now, and only for a while I have limited energy.

Right now, and only for a while, I am trying to do things right.

I am working a job I don’t like, just paying rent, just to pay those millionaire profits of the gas and electricity companies. I am taking my chances, saving money and putting the energy and effort in the right places. Finishing the last year of my degree. Saying yes to an internship that has cost me a month of my salary.

Learn and yes, enjoy, and yes get it done, but

Touch it with my fingertips,

Again, at last, I am Icarus,

Again, at last, I am flying too close to the sun, my wax wings melting,

Falling. I am falling. I could have had a different life, but I couldn’t have a better one. I am where I am, I am who I need to be. This is, indeed, a lesson.

A lesson in human tenacity,

A lesson in perseverance,

Humility. I will say it again, I will, indeed, write it again. Humility.

I had a glimpse of how my future can look. I had a glimpse of what is it like to be treated with respect in the workplace. I felt what people feel when they look them in the eyes when they ask a question because they are actually interested in what you have to say.

I am sad to be back in hospitality. I hate it. I am being overly dramatic, yes. But I have cleaned enough tables and toilets. I have served enough flat whites, lattes and cappuccinos.

I have endured enough stupid customers that;

never look me in the eyes

Many times. Many, many times, customers do not look into my eyes. I am a human being. Everyone working anywhere is.

Look into my eyes!

LOOK INTO MY FUCKING EYES

I don’t usually initiate the conversation. If they don’t look me in the eyes and say ‘Hello!’ or ‘Good morning!’ I will definitely don’t going to do it. Keep talking with your boss or graphic designer. Keep mindlessly scrolling The Daily Express. Keep wasting your time, keep thinking that people who work in the service industry are not people but stupid human beings.

Stupid human beings are the ones who;

Laugh without understanding what I say when I serve them.

The ones who stay in the queue for seven minutes and then, when they need to order, I am given the gift of hmmmmmmm I don’t knowwwww sorrrryyyy. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IN THE QUEUE?

Stupid human beings are the ones who take a microwavable item and they put it in with a plastic lid, making it melt over the food. And then they come to you, with the face of having done something naughty.

Stupid human beings are the ones that do not look me in the eyes.

LOOK INTO MY FUCKING EYES.