I have always been a Madonna fan. She is, in a way, one of my inspirations in embracing the less political side of my gayness and finding myself as a queer person. I was 15 or 16 when I first saw the Hung Up video on MTV. And all I could think about was: Who the fuck is this woman? What is happening?

The internal jokes about her being way too old spun around, orbited as if a secret conspiration plotted behind my back, not only criticising me for being fully gay but also for liking an old woman on TV dancing in a pink leotard. 

Saying that Madonna is a pop icon is an understatement. 

She invented the current pop star. 

She capitalized on every single shady opinion that tried to end her career and made it her own. They called her a slut and she doubled down by releasing not only an amazing album but also an erotic photography book that has become a collector’s piece. 

And then she discovered Instagram, Tik Tok and she did this:

I understand why is necessary that she is there. Why she looks the way she looks, and why she is doing something that she is not supposed to. 

It has always been her point. Madonna is going to do whatever the fuck she wants. Getting butt hurt, getting bitter and reacting exactly how mediocre people react when their belief system is attacked is exactly the reason why her existence is a necessity. 

She was 23 when she released her first single and 30 when she was becoming a worldwide superstar. They were telling her that she was too explicit, too sexual, too crude, too polemic, too much. The truth is that no one cared. Not really.

She was pointed, she had a vision and more importantly: she was able to flawlessly execute that vision. She was a media monster, a showstopping powerhouse that defined pop.

And it worked because the big picture made sense. Tabloids were filled up with bullshit, the best live shows were performed, Madonna made money, and everyone was happy.

She always has been a businesswoman first after all. 

As a fan, this is the first time in a long time (except perhaps when she gets political and sounds like a thirteen-year-old trying to debate) that I felt second-hand embarrassment. Not because the concept was lacking, because she looked botched or anything like that. But because the big picture did not make any sense whatsoever. 

She entered the song in the wrong compass. The energy was low. She looked out of focus. Distracted. Maybe embarrassed. Maybe deep down she knew that something it’s not clicking right like it used to. Or maybe it was just a stupid idea that they executed stupidly. Maybe she was just having fun in someone else’s show. Maybe we, as fans, need to stop overthinking things like this.

If I put my sensationalist journalism hat on, and scrutinize the last decades of her career, I kind of see how a decline can be determined, especially after Hard Candy. Her track record until Confessions on a Dancefloor is the blueprint of how a pop star’s career should be. 

Come in with a punch, and finesse it. 

Sexualize yourself. Weaponize what they are throwing at you. A blond phase is mandatory to become relevant. 

She inadvertently invented the “eras” as in conceptually coherent lots that started with a smash first single, followed by an album that elaborated those ideas and ended with a tour that came as the final form of what Madonna wants to channel artistically for that specific theme. Non stopping energy. Frenetic rituals to invoke nothing but hedonism and divinity.

And then she announced the tour.

In the era of streaming, when no one cares about conceptual albums and a hit means that it went viral on Tik Tok, not a lot of artists can go on the road without a record label backing them up and a new shiny body of work that tennagers love. But she can. Sure, why not. Everyone got excited, faggots all around the world bought fewer drugs that month to spend that money on a Madonna concert instead and we all moved on with our lives. Until THE INCIDENT.

On June 28th, her team announced the postponement of the tour due to a health scare. She was hospitalised for a serious bacterial infection but now she is doing fine. All the gays gasped audibly, but now they are doing okay, although mildly annoyed that their summer vacation plans have been disrupted. 

Today, October 14th, Madonna is finally starting her Celebration Tour in London. And everyone is praying that she does Like A Virgin and Vogue and buying fishnets to cosplay as her in the 80s. And that’s great but is not what I want. I don’t think she needs to shock anyone anymore. She is alive. She has been there, done that and she is always back. As she said one time, she is still here with us. A masterclass on how to spin any situation into a ‘me’ moment. 

I don’t need athletic acrobatics from her. I don’t need impossible choreographies or breathtaking theatrics. I just want her most true self. Katy Perry has tricked us all into thinking that she can dance by surrounding herself with dozens of dancers and she is doing just fine. 

What do I expect from this Celebration Tour then? 

I expect a Grand Opening

She loves to think that she is Latino when she is not, so I would love for her to open with the new Hung Up remix with Tokischa. She can throw the bridge of la Isla Bonita there and a couple of references to Medellin. Yes, get ready, this will be the tour of the medleys. Avoid any other Spanish paraphernalia for the rest of the show please. Let’s open with a reggaetton mix and let’s move on.  

Right after, jump into Everybody, and do the new Frozen remix she loves so much. She can do Open Your Heart here as well, it fits thematically. 

I expect 35 dollars and a dream

Madonna famously claimed that she moved to New York City with just $35 in her pocket. We don’t care if it’s true or not. This section would be about the 80s, the raunchiness and crucifix earrings, but above all, about trying to make it in a man’s world. Start with the Like A Virgin and Hollywood performance of the iconic VMAs. Don’t recreate the kiss but do include Missy’s part on it. Play Angel on the guitar (avoid doing Burning Up please Madonna) and do Runaway Lover or Get Together. Finish with Physical Attraction and Express Yourself as a renewed feminist chant. Use the Material GWOORL as an interlude.

I expect the Naughty 90s

Continuing with the thread of feminism, the next decade was all about reclaiming the sexual power of the pussy. Give Justify My Love a performance for the ages, and bleed it into Rescue Me. We all know that she loves Candy Shop, so she can sing about her sugar being raw in here. We fans have developed Stockholm syndrome with this song at this point. Perform an extended mash-up of Vogue and Deeper And Deeper (How has this not happened yet) and finish, obviously, with Human Nature. 

I expect Madonna with the acoustic guitar

The third section would be the acoustic one. With Mirwais, he has created this very interesting genre of stripped-down, personal but somewhat electronic family of songs that fit perfectly with the spiritual growth that she had during Ray Of Light in 1998. She became a mother, and suddenly she liked looking intensely at the horizon and using words like ‘paradox’ or ‘juxtaposition’. The catalogue of songs that can fit in this section is huge; Paradise (Not For Me), I Deserve It, Drowned World, Easy Ride… She could do Rain, or Secret. She can do any of the songs that sang for Tears Of A Clown (She knows which ones of her songs are good are when she wants).

She can fit songs like Don’t Tell Me and the whole second section of the American Life album here. Don’t be surprised if she fits Die Another Day before connecting with the final section. She loves a self-referential life metaphor. 

I expect to celebrate (duh)

The last section should be a full electronic quasi-techno take on her dancey hits. Think Music, Bitch I’m Madonna, Nothing Really Matters and Lucky Star, are all included in the same electronic mix, with a hard kick, and an even harder melodic build-up. I want her to be happy moving her ass, while the dancers do the heavy lifting. I want strobe lights, smoke machines, confetti, and balloons. 

Open the encore with Like A Prayer, to finish with Celebration and, obviously, Holiday. 

I want her to relax and be her silly self, because she has nothing to prove anymore. And the second night of the show, I will be there to have a regression to my teenage years, and shake my ass with her too.

Because she doesn’t need to do nothing anymore.