Warnings do not happen quietly. I always feel like I am being kicked when Im down. The car always breaks down a week before payment. The phone always cracks when is needed the most. It is not Murphy’s law, is life.

When our perspective is grim and gloomy, we perceive the natural happenings as the universe plotting against us. Life does not whisper, life shouts in our faces.

Some are deafened by it. Some carefully listen.

Some cannot tell apart the words from the noise. Some actively choose to ignore the voices.

Most people are deaf.

And is always when I am stressed and juggling two too many balls that I fall sick. Or I get a stye, like now. And I lose any sense of self-control so I eat too much crap and I don’t feel in balance. At all. Reckless, chaotic, messy, greasy. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. But this is not what I am talking about.
The perception of beauty is subjective and varies. I am my own god, the universe, my own person. No one can be neutral when surrounded by sharp blades. Me neither. I am just another god, in a world overpopulated by a pantheon no one worships. And I do feel that way. When I don’t crave water and I only want nasty sodas and chocolate drinks. When I want to break into the butchers and get on that charcuterie.
And my thighs slowly grow bigger, and one day, when I sit down looking like a prawn or a croissant, I notice that my muffing top also has grown, and now is more like a full-on banana cake.

I am not fishing for compliments. I don’t want your pity, your sadness, I don’t need your icing on the cake.
I only want you to be manipulated by love, desire, ambition and passion.

I am not saying that I am ugly. I am saying that I feel like it, I perceive it like it. You know, sometimes I don’t want to take care of myself. When going for a run is just a dream in the distance, and I have no idea of the quantity of money I have in my bank account. Mind you, is more on the empty side.
When I indulge, when I give away so much to my future, I forget to take care of myself. I don’t feel like shaving, I don’t feel like going to the hairdresser’s and I have zero desire to dress up for any occasion, whatever that might be.

Ugliness has very little to do with how I look.

Ugliness lies deep within each and every one of us. To feel ugly is to know that I am putting the energy somewhere else. But better times will come, I will regroup, and I will retaliate.

But now, I just feel ugly. And the universe looks at me, and I look back, and I confront the ugly face, looking at myself.