What a time to be gay. Not as in problematic white cis gym bro, but as in old school gay, gay as in fun, gay as in capital G.A.Y., as in
Generations Ahead of Yesterday.
The world may be sinking with World War III rising up on the horizon and another pandemic fucking up us all now that we are weakened after COVID, and it’s all Ticketmaster’s fault.
Yes, the world is ending but damn it sounds good.
In a creative epiphany, I defined the four horsemen of the Gaycalipse (you are all welcome).
So we all going to be tired, burnt out, the politicians will keep stealing, capitalism will be in full blaze and the rich will definitely be richer due to the poor being poorer, and we will be strutting our way.
Like many things in life, is Rihanna’s fault. She is the horsewoman of conquest, and she will conquer.
At the end of September, she posted a picture on social media holding the American football thingy and everyone lost it. ‘Finally!’ they screamed, ‘She got tired of selling underwear and smoking pot!’
‘She had a baby you twat!’ there are the only fans that still have hope in her. This has been the weirdest marketing strategy ever. Rihanna’s next album has a level of hype and anticipation that, at this point, it can only end in disappointment. She sort of tasted the waters with that random ass song in Avatar, but so far I don’t see any new project coming up. This is a shame because what better than the Superbowl to present your new BOP to the world. And that’s the issue, the amount of hits in her catalogue is so massive that she might have no problem filling 15 minutes with absolute bangers, but she might have some issue presenting a new unacquainted song in between Diamonds, We Found Love or Umbrella.
Ella, ella, eh eh.
On Halloween of 2022 Taylor Swift was having some red wine with her accountant and she thought that all the numbers in that excel were far too low, so she announced a tour. Since the Reputation tour, she has dropped three different albums (Lover does not exist), and she flies a lot in her private jet destroying the world. This is why she is famine, she is, actively, making our space rock a little bit inhabitable with every flight to Holiday House.
Also, she broke the internet with the sales of her tour apparently selling every single US tour on the pre-sale with unprecedented demand, in such a messy shit show that even Ticketmaster, – widely known for having a very high concept of themselves – apologized.
Taylor Swift pretended to care, as if she was not a ruthless capitalist, we moved on and we all love her again now.
Speaking of ruthless capitalism, Madonna is also going on tour. And if Taylor is doing it with more albums than scruples, Madonna is doing it with;
The reggaeton version of Hung Up with Tokischa.
7352 remixes of Frozen.
Celebration tour celebrates her bank account above all things, let’s not forget, she is a businesswoman first and an artist second. She also sold out a lot of dates (to her own surprise) at the expense of every single queer human being in Europe and the States. Madonna represents death, not because she is old ( we are not ageist here), but because she sealed the life of our financial security in 2023.
These are happy days for the gays, but they are just as hard.
Beyonce needs money too, and she is going on tour as well.
May our bank accounts and credit cards be safe.
But before the obvious announcement of the renaissance tour (the album came out eight months ago), another thing happened in the timeline.
Grammys.
What’s up with the tendency of not being able to be happy if we don’t declare that something is much better than any other thing in its category. Art is subjective, not a sport. No one scores points, there is no way of saying that something is objectively better. Well, there are exceptions.
Like Renaissance is objectively better than Harry’s House. There you go.
Why do we care about award ceremonies then?
Well, we don’t. The cool thing about award ceremonies is seeing famous people flaunting their money on outfits and the occasional iconic moment that will be printed in tote bags and T-shirts twenty years later.
No one cares about which got the best Grammy for harp recording or the best Grammy for a djiredoo duet, we want to see spectacular performances. And sadly, on the night of the 6th of February, the most exciting thing was Madonna giving a speech at the beginning. Sadly Sam’s and Kim’s performance was just a cornucopia of clichés in which neither of them shone. Maybe it’s because the song is bad, but the most impactful part was everyone was bothered by Madonna’s face.
And I don’t see the issue. People are going to have an opinion regardless. Like she has not been masturbating with crucifixes since 1989. She is the boss of doing whatever she wants and monetising it, so people talking about it only going to fuel here. It has been 40 years folks, we know her well. Also, you are all being kind of sexist and ageist. Who cares. Is it your face? Why do you care then?
Just so you know, the marketing strategy is working wonders, by the way.
Then the Grammys gave a bunch of little statues mainly to Beyonce and everyone else was running in couples up and down the toilets to powder their nose because OH MY GOSH what a snooze fest.
Kim Petras won a Grammy and thanked SOPHIE so we are all friends again now thank you very much. Charli XCX got upset due to the lack of nominations (Understandable, Crash is amazing).
And Grimes gave her two cents confirming that she is in her Rated R era;
What Grimes does not remember is that SOPHIE was indeed nominated in 2018 for Best Dance / Electronic Album for Oil of Every Pearl’s Un-Insides. Go back and listen to that album again by the way, do yourselves a favour.
Anyway, Beyonce is going on tour too and suddenly the number of bottoms in Only Fans has skyrocketed. And we are happy and exhausted and yes we will pay for Madonna and Queen B (not Taylor) and we will be fed. The war for getting her tickets has been bloody, sweaty and great.
Well not so great since Beyonce has indeed performed at a hotel for 24 million dollars. And guess what? That country is not very human right friendly. Beyonce, you were doing so well, getting inspired by queer culture, giving us what we wanted (minus the visuals), and then you do this? This messy messy absolutely unnecessary tangent? Just for some coins? Beyonce… we all love you, but remember, gays are much more petty than loyal. Strike one.
2023 is a statement of excess, intensity and capitalism being finally defined as the only thing that must be our enemy. We will overthrow the system, but in the meantime, we will be dancing to Pure / Honey and Material Girl.
May this year be full of gays and lesbians, they/thems, dolls, amazing stages and electrifying shows. May our bank accounts recover fast and may we all be forever on every guest list ever.
Peiopinu Unfiltered 